Football, Soccer, Kick Ball, Leather-sack-wap-about. The beautiful game has many names, many teams and many, many rules. Countless confusing terms, opinions and bizarre eccentricities. So with this new update, to this brilliant blog, I aim to educate, inform and enlighten the unknowing so that they may converse, understand and enjoy football with the masses. So with out further hesitation or procrastination here we go:
FOOTBALL!
1.a. You must support one* team, no matter how neutral you claim to be. You get to choose one team in all of the Leagues, you get bonus points for teams in the lower, less glamourus levels of professional football. However with those bonus credits, you also lose the thrills of watching your team play regularly on TV and a better standard of football. Swings and roundabouts.
*You may eventually have a second team, that you choose to support on occasion as well, but that's an intermediate level of knowledge that we will reach at another date.
*-Super Tip-* You don't want to be that wanker in the pub watching the game who claims he supports neither team playing, who just enjoys watching football, who says that immortal douche bag line "No matter what the score is, football is the real winner". So Pick a team, mention it to a mate at the start of the 90' minutes and egg them on. The whole viewing experience will be improved massively by this choice.
1.b. You can counter claim supporting one of the 2 teams playing, by hating one of them instead, thus enjoying their defeat or cursing their unfairly obtained victory.
2. Don't bother buying a replica shirt*. They are stupidly expensive, horribly made, always out of fashion and replaced within a year by a whole new, slightly different kit. Nothing says part time supporter or full time cunt like a 2 year old Man Utd shirt. Instead just invest in a scarf. It actually keeps you warm, plus if you manage to get to a real "mud & pies" game you can wave it above your head like a loon.
*There is one Replica shirt you can get. Retro ones. For example this England 90-93 away kit will do just fine.
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| Sometimes you can smell Gazza's tears in the fabric. |
3. I'm going to use a personal example this one: A good friend of mine, recently moved to the country, decided that football is such a prevalent part of our society that to integrate properly he must support a team. Logically he chose a team which were fairly successful while also having some persoanl attachment too, he chose Tottenham Hotspur. When he started to support it was a point in time when they were being put in that "Top 4" bracket, aka a team which may win the league. He was a happy fan. They were beating teams left right and centre, had great young players and a reliable clever manager. Things have changed in 2 years. Spurs are no longer a top 4 team, lacking the investment of Manchester City and Liverpool, they have dropped behind, quite a way behind.
So, then came the first game of the Season, at Old Trafford, against a rejuvenated Wayne Rooney and friends. Tottenham were thrashed. My friend was not too pleased, he apparently stomped, protested and got angry. His housemates were displeased by his football based irritation.
I heard of his displeasure and informed him that no one, except close local rivals, get upset at losing to Man Utd. He didn't understand. I carried on, "We all lose to Manchester United. Everyone has or will be thrashed by them. Its a fact of life, like dying". It dawned on him. He had probably chosen the wrong team.
4. If your team aren't Manchester City, United or Chelsea, do NOT get attached to a good player at your club. He will be sold. Usually just after claims from both club and player that your club is everything to him, that he wants to retire there, that its his home town and that it looked after him so well, all his friends and family are there....well... FUCK YOU ANDY! Sorry, I almost cried for a week when Andy Carroll left, little did I know what was around the corner. Goodbye sweet prince. Sorry, that still bites for me.
5. The final rule for this week, is an important one, especially for us of the English persuasion. Stay calm, what goes around comes around, for every 5-1 thrashing there is a relegation, for every 0-0 bore draw there is a 4-0 comeback. Football is to be enjoyed in the short and long term. It is hills and valleys and always, always entertaining. Just don't apply that rule to the national team. Ha.
More next week, you Footballing cretins.
-Chovey
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